The Obligatory Cats Review

Fun Fact: Cats eat souls! Image from IMDB

So I know, this is supposed to be all about horror movies, but I stand firmly behind my theory that Cats is a horror movie. These are my thoughts on Cats as I watched it for the first time in a theater. Edited for spelling accuracy.

• I’m one of three people in this theater about to see Cats expect frequent updates.
• Dear God, why?
• Cats killed Epstein.
• Rebel Wilson will give me nightmares for days.
• She just took off her fur?!?!
• I feel sorry for the gorgeous women who had to dress like roaches and get… eaten?
• Rum Tum Tugger is a high point. Or am I delirious?
• The fat cats are somehow more disturbing.
• The “comedy” is a miss.
• There’s some serious singing and dancing talent going to waste making this monstrosity.
• Sir Ian McKellen was just meowing off-key.
• Is the tail erection scene really necessary?
• Did they just sniff each other’s butts? I’m not making this up.
• Two cats were wearing chucks and hip hop dancing? None of the other cats have shoes?
• Some cats wear pants and suspenders and some are nude. I thought I understood the coats but now I’m confused.
• Jennifer Hudson, I’m so sorry.
• Oh, that cat’s wearing pants because it works on a train. It all makes total sense now.
• The cat with a gay mustache just pirouetted himself into oblivion
• Taylor Swift is riding a moon and shooting catnip out of her ass getting everyone high and singing about how she loves bad boys. Is this just a T. Swift concert?
• Mr. Mestophelese is so cute. (This was the first time I stopped being horrified by the CGI enough to notice the cute details of the buttons on his coat. This was more than an hour in. )
• The mice may be more terrifying than the cats.
• When the cats rub their heads up against each other it’s so creepy.
• It took this long for a hairball joke. I could have done without it.
• If they didn’t do the horrendous CGI, this movie could be really good. But I’m kind of glad they did. Best horror musical of 2019.
• This Memories reprise should be a tearjerker, but cats with sad human faces are hilarious.
• If you watched this scene with your eyes closed, it would be fantastic.
• Someone in the theater is legit crying. They might be blind.
• Is this Euthanasia the musical?
• Did they just kill a cat? Is this a metaphor?
• Dame Judy does not need to maintain that level of eye contact. Yikes!
• The point of this movie was to tell you that cats are not dogs. Saved you two hours.
• Pretty sure Mr. M. just jizzed his pants over salmon paste.
• Me. ow.