The Obligatory Cats Review

Fun Fact: Cats eat souls! Image from IMDB

So I know, this is supposed to be all about horror movies, but I stand firmly behind my theory that Cats is a horror movie. These are my thoughts on Cats as I watched it for the first time in a theater. Edited for spelling accuracy.

  • I’m one of three people in this theater about to see Cats expect frequent updates.
  • Dear God, why?
  • Cats killed Epstein.
  • Rebel Wilson will give me nightmares for days.
  • She just took off her fur?!?!
  • I feel sorry for the gorgeous women who had to dress like roaches and get… eaten?
  • Rum Tum Tugger is a high point. Or am I delirious?
  • The fat cats are somehow more disturbing.
  • The “comedy” is a miss.
  • There’s some serious singing and dancing talent going to waste making this monstrosity.
  • Sir Ian McKellen was just meowing off-key.
  • Is the tail erection scene really necessary?
  • Did they just sniff each other’s butts? I’m not making this up.
  • Two cats were wearing chucks and hip hop dancing? None of the other cats have shoes?
  • Some cats wear pants and suspenders and some are nude. I thought I understood the coats but now I’m confused.
  • Jennifer Hudson, I’m so sorry.
  • Oh, that cat’s wearing pants because it works on a train. It all makes total sense now.
  • The cat with a gay mustache just pirouetted himself into oblivion
  • Taylor Swift is riding a moon and shooting catnip out of her ass getting everyone high and singing about how she loves bad boys. Is this just a T. Swift concert?
  • Mr. Mestophelese is so cute. (This was the first time I stopped being horrified by the CGI enough to notice the cute details of the buttons on his coat. This was more than an hour in. )
  • The mice may be more terrifying than the cats.
  • When the cats rub their heads up against each other it’s so creepy.
  • It took this long for a hairball joke. I could have done without it.
  • If they didn’t do the horrendous CGI, this movie could be really good. But I’m kind of glad they did. Best horror musical of 2019.
  • This Memories reprise should be a tearjerker, but cats with sad human faces are hilarious.
  • If you watched this scene with your eyes closed, it would be fantastic.
  • Someone in the theater is legit crying. They might be blind.
  • Is this Euthanasia the musical?
  • Did they just kill a cat? Is this a metaphor?
  • Dame Judy does not need to maintain that level of eye contact. Yikes!
  • The point of this movie was to tell you that cats are not dogs. Saved you two hours.
  • Pretty sure Mr. M. just jizzed his pants over salmon paste.
  • Me. ow.